Time heals NOTHING – you have to do it by yourself…
Are you constantly asking yourself: What if? What if I’ve done this or that differently? Where would I be today? What I’ve could become if only I did things differently in the past…. If only I could go back and change my past… If only I could… I would change the course of events… This would certainly change my destiny. If only… I could… I would… I should have done this then…
I wish I would’ve known that when I was about taking this decision… What should I do now? I cannot accept my past… I just want to change it… Am I asking too much? I would be so happy now if I just hadn’t done all of the mistakes in the past… – do you recognize this internal dialog? Sounds familiar to you?
Well, I got really bad news. Analyzing past events and actions, again and again, it’s a complete waste of time. It’s a mental masturbation or worse a mindf*ck. It’s just a completely wrong mindset that not only does not resolve anything but makes things even worse. Overthinking about what happened earlier in life only makes us stuck in the past. It cannot change anything… Unless you have an access to different dimensions… And you can just go back to the past and change the course of events… If not, you have to deal with the reality and accept that what happened, happened … and you should move on with your life…
To be completely honest with you, I know exactly how hard is to let go of the past. Maybe because I have a tendency to overanalyze things because I struggle like many people I know with perfectionism. It’s quite ironic because we all know that a perfection does not exist at least in our world, but we tend to ignore this fact and we try to prove to ourselves and others that it’s entirely possible… So what we do with this? Well, we try our best to reach a perfection and we…fail… every single time… because the failure is inevitable if you try to achieve impossible… No matter how hard you try, who you ask for help and how much you believe in it, it just won’t happen. It won’t. And all of this incessant attempts to do something perfectly can only cause a depression and severe anxiety… Trust me, I know something about this…
Struggling with perfectionism in the present moment it’s no different from overanalyzing the past to get the idea of how our life would look like now if we had done things differently. To avoid this vicious circle, we have to understand that we are not responsible for everything. Because the final outcome is always a sum of many, different factors. No matter how many possible scenarios you would imagine there will always be at least one you just didn’t take into account. It’s just how the Universe works. We all know this even if choose to ignore this sometimes… And you know what? Not knowing what will happen in the future and trying to understand the reason why some things happened in the past it can be great because it depends only on us how we decide to live every single experience… Furthermore, unpredictability is the real essence of life. It’s exactly what makes our life so exciting, amazing, breathtaking and just simply beautiful… It’s the greatest mystery of life.
And then, we need to realize that it is quite easy to know what we should, could or would have done in the past from today’s perspective especially if we are in a different place in life, we are more experienced, more mature, more self-aware and above all if we managed to create a mental distance from what we had experienced before. We all have to deal with the fact that we respond or react to a certain situation in the past exactly as we could have done this, it was our natural reaction at that time. We all have this strange habit of talking with a great certainty what would we do if we found ourselves in a particular situation… We make all of these ridiculous statements not knowing what we would do… because it’s just impossible to know what would be our reaction or response to a hypothetical situation… You can make a decision only when you are in a particular situation and then you have to face the consequences… When I was younger I used to say “I would never do this or say that etc” all the time… and you know what? And then, every single time I spoke these words, life put me in all of these situations to make me understand that I just cannot be sure how I would behave if I have never been before in a similar situation… that’s crazy but it’s just how it works… Our life depends on the decisions we that while a certain moment is going on but then we can choose if we want to learn from this experience or make the same mistakes again and again… Our happiness and well-being depend only on us. We choose to be happy because happiness is a choice not a result of previous actions… If it was this way we wouldn’t be in constant pursuit of happiness and satisfaction in life because one good life decision would be enough to spend whole life permanently happy…
Furthermore, when you stop trying to control things that are out of your control, you will find your freedom and peace of mind. The first step should be to admit your mistakes, analyze in details what and why went wrong, face the consequences, minimize the negative impact of your bad decisions and resolve problems they caused. Yes, it’s much easier than we all think. In most of the cases, we choose to feel helpless and sorry for ourselves. As strange as it seems, it is a personal choice. Don’t get stuck in victimhood. You can choose not to be a victim. Trust me and you won’t forget it. Choose not to be a victim of your bad decisions, wrong choices and all the mistakes and errors you did.
Then, you can and you should take your power back. And ask yourself these questions:
- What can I learn from my mistakes?
- How this experience (mistake) changed me?
- How did I grow and what do I still need to work on?
- How am I a better person because of it?
- What was the lesson I walked away from it?
- What do I know now that I will not allow happening in the future?
- How have I become wiser, stronger and more self- aware?
- Where am I still stuck?
- How can I fix that?
Answer these questions, learn from your mistakes, embrace your reality and move forward
And then learn your lesson. Remember it’s all about you, not about others. Of course, we are not talking here about easy and fun things but about real, bad mistakes that turned your life upside down. It takes guts and humility to admit that you are wrong. You can and you should use your mistakes to your advantage. Will you rise to the challenge? It depends only on you. Remember it’s all about you and how you choose to live this experience. You can use it for your personal growth or be stuck in victimhood. It’s a personal choice every one of us has to make every single day. Again and again, day after day, mistake after mistake…
Next step is not easier than the previous one. In my opinion, in most cases is even harder but also necessary for being able to move forward with your life. This step is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the things you could not have changed. Forgive yourself for the guilt you carry deep within you. Forgive yourself for all the costs of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. Forgive yourself for self-loathing, self-doubt and self-distrust. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Making mistakes is what makes us human. It is an inevitable part of our existence. Whether we like it or not. Learning from mistakes it is a healing process. Acknowledging your errors and fixing them means closing the wounds. Injuries are being replaced by new, strong and healthy tissue. You will always bear a scar from your past but it will be an integral part of you, no longer hurtful or problematic. Our scars make us beautiful because they are proof of living an authentic life. You should be proud of bearing them!